My testimony

My testimony. What an interesting thing to write about. I’m not even really sure as to where I should start. I mean, I am a Christian, I have been since I was little. But I think my testimony is much more than just telling you that when I was little in Sunday school the teacher told us we would go to hell if we didn’t ask Jesus into our heats so that night I told my mommy and daddy I was scared and I “prayed Jesus into my heart”. Then many years later when I was 15 I finally understood what it meant to walk with Christ and how to have a relationship with Him, so I did a rededication. That’s not really a testimony. Synonyms for testimony are evidence, proof, demonstration… and that got me thinking. I wonder, what is the poof of my belief? What evidence is out there? What have I done to demonstrate my belief and relationship with God? So this brings me to several situations in my life when I have had to truly rely on God. I literally had no one to turn to. Here’s a short story of one or two situations in my life that I see as my “evidence” or “proof”. I wrote these to in a sense cope with what was going on at the time I suppose… but maybe it’ll give you a sense of where I’m coming from.



He is Always There


Looking back now I can see it was a blessing in disguise. I see everything that would have been… if not for this tragic event. I see loneliness, turmoil, and secrets. I see pain, both physical and emotional, but most of all, I see utter darkness.

What is this tragic event of which I speak? One of the most heartbreaking things I have had to endure, and I have endured many. It all started the day he changed, the day I saw that kindness in his eye disappear forever. The day he hit me. He said it was an accident, but I do not see how a swift movement across the cheek of ones face could be any such thing. I immediately broke off all communication with this now stranger. We were not always strangers, though; there was a time when we were inseparable. Oh, what a joyous time that was. He was my friend and my confidant, he was the person I could turn to when my family was having its usual troubles; he was my best friend.

My mind often wanders back to that day. I had not spoken a single word to him in almost two weeks because of the slapping incident. He wanted to talk to me, but I wanted no such thing to take place and I made that quite clear. I told him more than once that I did not want to speak with him and I asked him to just leave me be, but he could not take no for an answer. In a split second our relationship changed forever, as well as relationships with the people around us. He grabbed my wrist, I pulled back, he grabbed again leaving an impression on my small wrist and dragged me outside. We rounded a corner and I was thrown swiftly against the brick-like wall. I was in utter shock at what had occurred, I can remember it so vividly… too vividly. He started yelling at me and demanding that I speak with him. I tried over and over again to get away form this unfamiliar person, but to no avail. I tried to talk him down, I tried getting around him, but nothing would work! I’d make a move and he’d quickly push me back against the wall; I was pinned. I do not quite remember what occurred next, but somehow I made my way around this man and made my way quickly inside. I immediately broke down in tears.

Many weeks of fall out began. Family turned on family, friend on friend. Everything was so messed up and so unreal. I remember the look in my parent’s eyes as I told them what had occurred. I recall the look of utter disbelief as I told his mother what had happened. In one careless action our two families, that were nearly inseparable, had become like mortal enemies. A cover up quickly took place by his family and I was told to keep my mouth shut. His father, the pastor of our church, asked us to leave because I was “damaging the family’s integrity.” Everything I believed in was falling apart piece by piece, and not for the first time in my life.

This was an event that occurred over and over again in my life in different ways. I could not understand why it all kept happening to my family, to me. Did I do something to cause all of this? Was God angry at me for some reason? Had He taken his hand off of my life? So many questions flooded my mind and I endured many sleepless nights of just
crying out to God, and yet feeling as though I was only speaking to the ceiling. I felt so lonely and so abandoned.

Our families were once tighter than anything else could possibly be, but now they weren’t even speaking to each other. Rumors began to be spread about both of us and everything became so out of control. Finally my parents decided it was best to get me away from the situation all together. I was pulled out of my school four weeks before my graduation. My parents sought counseling for me, but that didn’t help, though everyone else believed it did.

I was excellent at putting on a front. In the light of day everyone thought I was doing so well and that I was so full of happiness and joy still, but at night in the quietness and stillness of my room I would cry myself to sleep. I would question everything; I still believed that I was to blame for what happened, that somehow I brought it on. I slipped further and further into a depression and finally my parents began to take notice once more. I went back into my councilor and there I began to slowly make progress. I still had this secret fear I always kept to myself. I would flinch anytime a male came near me.

It’s interesting how God begins to work in you when you’re in the lowest of lows. He wraps you in His arms and does not let go. He was there with me the whole time and I didn’t even know it. It took all summer before I could comfortably be around guys again. I still deal with the struggles of what occurred that day. I still find it hard to trust pastors and men in general. But I am learning to trust again. I have also come to realize that God did not take his hand off of my life. Rather He was working through every movement my parents made. He took me away from a very dangerous situation. My once best friend had become a total stranger and he kept going downhill. To this day his anger has never been dealt with. I pray that he seek help and find it before he does something like this, or worse, to someone else. I also came to realize that I did not cause what happened, and God was not angry with me. God has worked in me and through me in more ways than I could ever imagine. I am eager to see how He is going to use these experiences in my life to help someone else in the future and to draw even closer to Him.

Everyone says there’s nothing like your senior summer before you head off to college. And I suppose that is true. I will never forget my senior summer; I will never forget the things I learned. God never leaves us in our loneliness. He is always there, all we have to do is open our eyes and look.



The Farewell of a Son

There we stood in the doorway just staring at each other. He knew the choice that was before him, as did I; but would he make the right choice, or would he be forever lost in his decision?
Mother began begging and pleading for him to stay, father went to the other room and sat in silence pondering the thought of disowning his own son, and Jason was standing in the hall watching in disbelief at the fact that his own brother was considering turning his back on his family forever.
I could not stand the tension any longer. I ran from the doorway to my room and fell on my knees, crying before the Lord and begging Him to work in my brother's heart. You see, he had a decision before him. He had to choose between living a life with the girl he thought to be his only love and being with his family. Walking out that day meant that he would no longer have any contact with any of the ones who cared about him.
Moments passed, but it felt as though it had been hours. The constant arguing and screaming rang throughout the halls of our house that day. He walked out several times, but then he returned. We could see him struggling and torn apart by this choice. He did not want to lose his family but he also did not want to lose this girl whom he thought to be his one and only.
Finally, he fled out the door again, but this time he did not return. I can still feel the sickness in my stomach as I came to the realization that he was gone. The person I had grown up with, my protector, my best friend was gone forever. They say time heals all pain and that memories will fade, but I don’t believe that to be true; for you see, I will always have that image of my brother standing in the doorway at that sunset that evening. I will always remember the look on his face as he walked out of my life, and that of my family, forever.

These are two events that have taken place where I have had to completely rely on the Lord. He is truly my strength and my stronghold. And I think that is my testimony, that is my proof. The fact that I am still able to walk through life and with such great joy! God truly works wonders and protects and leads His children. I would be lost without the Lord in my life…

College is...

College is having a spur of the moment croquet game
College is raiding school buildings for toilet paper when you're running low on funds and the tp is out
College is having shopping cart races... over speed bumps
College is pulling an all-nighter only to find out that the assignment wasn't due till NEXT week
College is finding out that you can make pizza from biscuit dough, though it is not recommended
College is making new friends who become best friends nearly every night
College is the time of your life