4,105 Balloons

4,105 balloons. 4,105 dreams. The number represents each person at CBU and each balloon represents their dream. But how can that be? I fee like just on my own I have 4,105 dreams.

Sure, my dreams have very much changed over the years and many have faded. I used to dream of being in a rock band, of playing college ball or going to the Olympics with my horse… but things happen, injuries occur, paths change and before you know it you wind up feeling like you have no dreams at all.

So then what do you do when you come to this place? Everything you have ever wished for is gone. Everything you have worked hard for no longer matters. The time you spent on it seems wasted and whatever you do from that point on seems useless.

If you can’t tell, I have been in this place; on more than one occasion I might add. It is not a fun place to be in; dark and unsure. Audrey Hepburn put it ever so well in her role as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s when she said, “The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of.” I feel like I have often been in this state where the mean reds sneak up on me. Depression sets in and before you know it you are feeling completely empty. This is truly one of the most difficult places to be, easiest places to fall and hardest to get out of. But it is possible.

It took me reaching my lowest of lows to realize that God has a bigger plan for me; His dream [will]. It took me a long time to realize it and to be okay with it. At times I still struggle with it and those darn mean reds sneak up, but I know that I am where He wants me to be and doing what He wants me to do and what will bring Him glory in the end. That is what brings me the true joy that I have, the knowledge that I am pleasing Him and living His dream [will] for me.

So what is my dream? What is His will for me? I would spell it out for you if I could, but I do not think it is really that easy. It is something I know in my heart though and something I strive after with everything that I am.

What does 4,105 balloons mean to me? Nothing. What does God’s will mean to me? Everything.

*Posted for credit for JRN412