My testimony

My testimony. What an interesting thing to write about. I’m not even really sure as to where I should start. I mean, I am a Christian, I have been since I was little. But I think my testimony is much more than just telling you that when I was little in Sunday school the teacher told us we would go to hell if we didn’t ask Jesus into our heats so that night I told my mommy and daddy I was scared and I “prayed Jesus into my heart”. Then many years later when I was 15 I finally understood what it meant to walk with Christ and how to have a relationship with Him, so I did a rededication. That’s not really a testimony. Synonyms for testimony are evidence, proof, demonstration… and that got me thinking. I wonder, what is the poof of my belief? What evidence is out there? What have I done to demonstrate my belief and relationship with God? So this brings me to several situations in my life when I have had to truly rely on God. I literally had no one to turn to. Here’s a short story of one or two situations in my life that I see as my “evidence” or “proof”. I wrote these to in a sense cope with what was going on at the time I suppose… but maybe it’ll give you a sense of where I’m coming from.



He is Always There


Looking back now I can see it was a blessing in disguise. I see everything that would have been… if not for this tragic event. I see loneliness, turmoil, and secrets. I see pain, both physical and emotional, but most of all, I see utter darkness.

What is this tragic event of which I speak? One of the most heartbreaking things I have had to endure, and I have endured many. It all started the day he changed, the day I saw that kindness in his eye disappear forever. The day he hit me. He said it was an accident, but I do not see how a swift movement across the cheek of ones face could be any such thing. I immediately broke off all communication with this now stranger. We were not always strangers, though; there was a time when we were inseparable. Oh, what a joyous time that was. He was my friend and my confidant, he was the person I could turn to when my family was having its usual troubles; he was my best friend.

My mind often wanders back to that day. I had not spoken a single word to him in almost two weeks because of the slapping incident. He wanted to talk to me, but I wanted no such thing to take place and I made that quite clear. I told him more than once that I did not want to speak with him and I asked him to just leave me be, but he could not take no for an answer. In a split second our relationship changed forever, as well as relationships with the people around us. He grabbed my wrist, I pulled back, he grabbed again leaving an impression on my small wrist and dragged me outside. We rounded a corner and I was thrown swiftly against the brick-like wall. I was in utter shock at what had occurred, I can remember it so vividly… too vividly. He started yelling at me and demanding that I speak with him. I tried over and over again to get away form this unfamiliar person, but to no avail. I tried to talk him down, I tried getting around him, but nothing would work! I’d make a move and he’d quickly push me back against the wall; I was pinned. I do not quite remember what occurred next, but somehow I made my way around this man and made my way quickly inside. I immediately broke down in tears.

Many weeks of fall out began. Family turned on family, friend on friend. Everything was so messed up and so unreal. I remember the look in my parent’s eyes as I told them what had occurred. I recall the look of utter disbelief as I told his mother what had happened. In one careless action our two families, that were nearly inseparable, had become like mortal enemies. A cover up quickly took place by his family and I was told to keep my mouth shut. His father, the pastor of our church, asked us to leave because I was “damaging the family’s integrity.” Everything I believed in was falling apart piece by piece, and not for the first time in my life.

This was an event that occurred over and over again in my life in different ways. I could not understand why it all kept happening to my family, to me. Did I do something to cause all of this? Was God angry at me for some reason? Had He taken his hand off of my life? So many questions flooded my mind and I endured many sleepless nights of just
crying out to God, and yet feeling as though I was only speaking to the ceiling. I felt so lonely and so abandoned.

Our families were once tighter than anything else could possibly be, but now they weren’t even speaking to each other. Rumors began to be spread about both of us and everything became so out of control. Finally my parents decided it was best to get me away from the situation all together. I was pulled out of my school four weeks before my graduation. My parents sought counseling for me, but that didn’t help, though everyone else believed it did.

I was excellent at putting on a front. In the light of day everyone thought I was doing so well and that I was so full of happiness and joy still, but at night in the quietness and stillness of my room I would cry myself to sleep. I would question everything; I still believed that I was to blame for what happened, that somehow I brought it on. I slipped further and further into a depression and finally my parents began to take notice once more. I went back into my councilor and there I began to slowly make progress. I still had this secret fear I always kept to myself. I would flinch anytime a male came near me.

It’s interesting how God begins to work in you when you’re in the lowest of lows. He wraps you in His arms and does not let go. He was there with me the whole time and I didn’t even know it. It took all summer before I could comfortably be around guys again. I still deal with the struggles of what occurred that day. I still find it hard to trust pastors and men in general. But I am learning to trust again. I have also come to realize that God did not take his hand off of my life. Rather He was working through every movement my parents made. He took me away from a very dangerous situation. My once best friend had become a total stranger and he kept going downhill. To this day his anger has never been dealt with. I pray that he seek help and find it before he does something like this, or worse, to someone else. I also came to realize that I did not cause what happened, and God was not angry with me. God has worked in me and through me in more ways than I could ever imagine. I am eager to see how He is going to use these experiences in my life to help someone else in the future and to draw even closer to Him.

Everyone says there’s nothing like your senior summer before you head off to college. And I suppose that is true. I will never forget my senior summer; I will never forget the things I learned. God never leaves us in our loneliness. He is always there, all we have to do is open our eyes and look.



The Farewell of a Son

There we stood in the doorway just staring at each other. He knew the choice that was before him, as did I; but would he make the right choice, or would he be forever lost in his decision?
Mother began begging and pleading for him to stay, father went to the other room and sat in silence pondering the thought of disowning his own son, and Jason was standing in the hall watching in disbelief at the fact that his own brother was considering turning his back on his family forever.
I could not stand the tension any longer. I ran from the doorway to my room and fell on my knees, crying before the Lord and begging Him to work in my brother's heart. You see, he had a decision before him. He had to choose between living a life with the girl he thought to be his only love and being with his family. Walking out that day meant that he would no longer have any contact with any of the ones who cared about him.
Moments passed, but it felt as though it had been hours. The constant arguing and screaming rang throughout the halls of our house that day. He walked out several times, but then he returned. We could see him struggling and torn apart by this choice. He did not want to lose his family but he also did not want to lose this girl whom he thought to be his one and only.
Finally, he fled out the door again, but this time he did not return. I can still feel the sickness in my stomach as I came to the realization that he was gone. The person I had grown up with, my protector, my best friend was gone forever. They say time heals all pain and that memories will fade, but I don’t believe that to be true; for you see, I will always have that image of my brother standing in the doorway at that sunset that evening. I will always remember the look on his face as he walked out of my life, and that of my family, forever.

These are two events that have taken place where I have had to completely rely on the Lord. He is truly my strength and my stronghold. And I think that is my testimony, that is my proof. The fact that I am still able to walk through life and with such great joy! God truly works wonders and protects and leads His children. I would be lost without the Lord in my life…

College is...

College is having a spur of the moment croquet game
College is raiding school buildings for toilet paper when you're running low on funds and the tp is out
College is having shopping cart races... over speed bumps
College is pulling an all-nighter only to find out that the assignment wasn't due till NEXT week
College is finding out that you can make pizza from biscuit dough, though it is not recommended
College is making new friends who become best friends nearly every night
College is the time of your life

Final blog of the semester

The semester is finally coming to an end and I could not be happier! This has been a very difficult semester for me, both with school and my personal life. I have learned so many things and grown in so many ways. This class specifically has helped me grow. I have learned how to think on my feet when the deadline is coming and I have no story and I have learned just how important it is to not procrastinate! I have always had a major problem with that. *Hence why I’m writing this blog so early, haha* I think it is mostly because in high school I never did any studying and would get A's and last year at CBU I again never did any studying and waited until the night before to write my papers and I would still get A's. But, after being in this class I have learned the importance of not doing that. I have also learned how much fun the interviewing process can be. I very much enjoyed going out and finding people and in some cases totally hunting them down and facebook stalking, haha. It was an interesting experience, but cool none the less. The interviews were fun and light-hearted which was really cool. I also loved having the opportunity to write my stories any way I want. I love being creative and it was awesome getting to play with my creative writing a bit. Working with people has also been a good experience and a big motivation to get my work done because of the fact that I have people depending on me. All in all it has been an awesome semester and I am looking forward to what else I have to learn by being in yearbook next semester. :)


*Posted for credit for JRN 212

Such a little phrase... yet so much meaning

I was asked by Mocha Club to write about the concept of why ‘I need Africa more than Africa needs me.’ Mocha Club [www.mochaclub.org] is a community-based website where members can start a team and invite friends to join them in giving $7 a month – the cost of 2 mochas – to support a project in Africa. Mocha Club's vision is to provide a way for people who don't have hundreds or thousands of dollars to make a difference in Africa.

“I need Africa more than Africa needs me.”

The first time I heard that phrase it didn’t hit me any special way at all. But then the words “extra credit” came up and it suddenly had my attention. I’m ALWAYS down for extra credit! So, I scribbled down the sentence and shoved it in my binder and went about my merry way forgetting about it until today…. the deadline. That happens so often it seems. I’m so drowned by life and just keep going from one thing to the next and not ever getting anything done till the last second. It’s not out of choice, but such is life I suppose. I believe I have gone far off topic, so let’s see if I can get myself back on track here… oh, yes, Africa. It seems like such a simple phrase… “I need Africa more than Africa needs me.”…. but what does that really mean? How does it really hit you? Does it even strike you at all? It didn’t strike me at first, but then I found myself fighting with this in my mind. And I realized something; I am a very selfish person. I am so caught up in MY life and what I’M doing and what I need. Everything is about ME. And even when it’s not about me specifically, life keeps me so busy that I never have time to see outside my little bubble. How does that happen? How do we allow ourselves to even have a bubble? I think this little phrase has opened my eyes to so much. It showed me what I am not really seeing and what Ireally need to see. I NEED Africa MORE than it needs me. Even then that sounds so selfish… I think I have a lot more to think about when it comes to this topic... I feel another blog coming on in the near future...


Share your thoughts in my comments, and even blog about it yourself. Join in the worthwhile cause of recasting the damaging images that force pity over partnership. Come back Dec 1st to see what Mocha Club is doing about reforming that image.


*Posted for credit for JRN 212

Ramblings of an equestrian

http://www.carolynresnickblog.com/
http://gentlenaturalhorseman.blogspot.com/2008/10/horse-training-cues.html
http://eventing-blog.com/

Nothing beats the rush of galloping down the final turn of the course, the sound of each stride hitting the powdered dirt below you, hearing every huff and puff leading up to that last jump and the ever so flawless take off and smooth landing of eventing.
Equestrians don’t quite have the spotlight they used to, which is quite a shame. I was one of these eloquent athletes for quite some time. Waking up at five a.m. to feed my furry friend then heading back out again at seven or so to do morning lounges and warms ups, dressage and ground training in the afternoon and finishing the day off with a quick run or two around the cross country and stadium jumping courses was my routine it seemed, and I was quite happy with that. The different styles of training always intrigued me. Everyone did things so differently. Some, such as myself, used the natural approach when it came to working with these heavenly creatures. Being firm and letting it be known that you are in control is vital when working with a 1300 pound animal under you or at your side, but it can very quickly become a power struggle and many people take advantage of that power in some not so great ways. Some are straight up abusive.
The natural approach is much more time consuming, but better for both you and your beloved friend in the end. After the training I did with my horse I am able to just turn my head and he will go that way. I don’t even use a bit when I ride anymore, I’ve found that it makes the horse happier and when your horse is happy he’s much more willing to do what you ask of him. I don’t understand why people would choose to use such harsh bits and at time put chains in them as well. They say it gives you more control, but really you shouldn’t have to use that much to get a horse to do what you ask of him.
Another way trainers have gone too far has been in the way they do their work outs. So many people over work theirs horses. Some do it out of selfishness because they have not gotten their fix of horse riding in for the day, while their horse is sitting there foaming and huffing and puffing because of all the strenuous work. Others do it out of nothing more than a power trip. This is so incredibly dangerous for the horse and in some cases that rider. The horse’s muscles can only take so much before they risk injury. So many needless injuries occur and it’s such a shame knowing they can all be avoided.
I seem to be ranting on about this and I think I have said quite enough for now. Plus, it’s late and I’m tired. So, this is the end of this little segment. You will be hearing more in the future on horses and training for sure, it’s a passion of mine and I’m so sad that I have had to give it up. I was training with some of the top trainers in the United States to be in the national circuit, and to know that I was that close and forced to back out do to injury is heartbreaking. But, God has a different path for me and I’m excited to see what exactly that is. :)


*Posted for credit for JRN 212

A Blog About Andrew

So, as I sit in the Angelos office thinking of something to blog about (I hate blogging!) a good friend and fellow work partner Andrew Hochradel wonders into the office to finish up some designing work for the yearbook. Upon asking him what I should write my blog about he responded with himself. So, I am going to do just that.

Andrew and I have been friends since the first day of orientation freshman year. He was one of the first people I met and one of the few I've stayed close to. We've grown quite close and have so many awesome memories together because, well, he's crazy and always has something fun to say. We're Disneyland buddies and go as often as possible. Last year we went three times a week! The business of this semester has put those trips on hold though, which is in fact quite tragic. Through our many adventures together I have gotten the opportunity of meeting people from his life back home in Sacramento and he has had the same opportunity with my world. His parents are freaking awesome and totally love me, which is great. He jokes about how they care more about me than him because when they call they'll ask how I'm doing, what's new, and whether I'll be here when they come down to visit so we can go to dinner. Andrew laughs and is like "They don't even care! I'm sitting here like thanks dad, I'm good too!"

Haha, yep. So that's my blog, kinda lame, just like Andrew ;) Haha, just kidding. He's quite awesome and a great designer, so if you need help with your pages, he's the one to go to!


*Posted for credit for JRN 212

Recent Small Group Topic

A common topic in my life recently has been the ever popular questions on dating. I have had so many conversations with friends and family and have had to deal with this topic recently in my life as well. After having these conversations I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and have so many ideas going in circles in my head that I thought it’d be best to just write them all out somewhere. It is something in which I am very passionate about and have very strong feelings about, so I am going to share my thoughts. And don’t worry, I’ll attempt to make my thoughts appear in order and actually make sense, hehe. By the way, this is geared more towards high school since I am a jr. high/ high school leader at my church and I’ve been talking with my girls about this recently.

Society has such a messed up view on dating. So many people think “Oh, he looks good in his Hollister clothes and has some money…. That’s good enough for me.” or “She looks fine in her baby gap clothes… that’s good enough for me.” This is absolutely ridiculous; have some standards!! Guys need to have a girl they can look to who has good Godly characteristics that they can measure girls up to. And girls need to have a Godly man in their life that they can look up to as well who has good Godly characteristics. We all need SOMEONE to look to and say “you know what, that’s what I want, that’s what I need in a person to date.” Don’t let society dictate to you who or how to date. If you want to do dating right you should be doing it by God’s standards and you should realize that it isn’t about who or how you date. Dating is about WHO YOU ARE and that determines who and how you date.

So many people end up in nightmares relationships and blame the other person when really it isn’t the other person’s fault at all. It’s your fault, you chose them. And it’s interesting how almost always the reason the relationship is jacked up and your spending every night crying over your relationship is because it does not involve God. Another big reason relationships fail or have major issues is because they are not following what God said in 2 Corinthians 6:14. Christ would NEVER pair a Christian with a non Christian, so neither should you. This cancels out “missionary dating” immediately. I have known several people who have been involved in missionary dating and it always has ended badly. The reason for this, to me, is that it is because you have the wrong motives for the person’s salvation and you are both going separate ways spiritually. Until you are a Christian the bible says you are spiritually dead. How can someone who is living for God grow in their walk when they are carrying dead weight with them? Which brings me to another point, just because you’re both Christians does not mean it’s okay to date. You must be on the same level spiritually and going the same way. Picture it like this, you have a rope which ties you to the other person, kinda like in a three-legged race. You are bound to one another in this relationship, but one of you is a “baby Christian” and just starting on your walk with God while the other is more “seasoned”. The baby Christian will hold the more seasoned Christian back because where one is going the other cannot follow; they are not at that level in their walk yet, get it? One is chasing after the Lord while the other is holding them back. So the question to ask before dating someone is, do your desires for God match?

When to date is another big question. I have seen so many 12 and 13 year olds complaining that their parents won’t let them have a boyfriend. Well, you know what, maybe you should be able to spell boy and girl before you date. And even in high school I see how dating can be seen as a waste of time, money, and putting both you and someone else in needless temptation. Song of Solomon 2:8 talks about not awakening love before it so desires. I know many of you are probably thinking “If I don’t date I will never find ‘the one’.” This is not true. Have you ever heard of faith in God that He will bring that person to you? And in fact if you are not dating and making yourself so available it may make it that much more clear when “the one” comes into your life.

What if everything you knew about dating was wrong? What if everything you’ve been doing and has been taught is wrong? Would you be willing to change it and makes things right before God? I very firmly believe that if you honor God, God will honor you. So would you be willing to change what you’re doing? How you date? My thoughts on dating have always been a little different, as most of you know. I see group dating as a better alternative for the stage of life that I am currently in. Personally I do not see anything that you can’t do in a group date that you either shouldn’t be doing or might be tempted to do if you were one on one. You still spend time with that person and still get to talk, and it protects you from needless temptation. When you do things one on one as society tells you are playing with fire. And 99% of the time, fire does burn you. Proverbs 16:18. Don’t get into a place of “couple comfort” where you are just all over one another Don’t swallow what the world tells you to do, think for yourself and line it up with God’s word. That’s not to say that I disagree with one on one time altogether, though. I think that is a very vital part in building your relationship with the other person, so alone time is important. I just do not think it should be in excess.

Finally, what should you do and how should you act on a date? First, guys MUST be very careful about what they say. Girls take things so much more seriously and different definitions about words than guys do. So, be especially careful about using the “L” word. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. You must also watch what you do physically. Physically, you are not made to stop once you start down a path. So, save yourself the trouble and just don’t even go there. Set up standards BEFORE you enter into a relationship. And if you’re really committed, write them down. And the second one of those standards is broken, the relationship is off because trust has been violated. Always remember on a date, it’s not “How far can I go?” but rather “How pure can I be?”. And remember, one can always lose, but never return to innocence. You should treat everyone you date as if they are your own brother or sister. 1Timothy 5:12. Let’s say you and your family were all having dinner and talking about your day and then suddenly, you slip your hand over on top of your sister’s thigh…. Is that jacked up in your head? It should be! That is exactly how it should be on a date you are not to treat them any different than you would your sister or brother. And be careful because you’re probably dating someone else’s husband or wife. So treat them how you would want someone to treat your future husband or wife. Please God with every one of your actions and keep Him at the center of your relationship.

Well, there you have it, just a few things that have been on my mind recently. I’m sorry if it’s kinda chaotic…